For many years I struggled to understand why I had to DIG in order to find genuinely helpful information relating to mental health and self-preservation.
During the peak of my mental illness, I found myself given similar advice from ‘health professionals’, all of which didn’t seem to ‘work’ for me.
And because I struggled to absorb and find peace in the information being presented to me, it solidified in my mind that I was in fact, inherently broken.
And for years I felt this way as a Celebrity
I was convinced that I was broken and in fragments, unable to heal.
I felt unseen, unheard and completely misunderstood.
Generic strategies such as “allow yourself to feel” and “don’t blame yourself for that” simply scratched the surface of the complex turmoil I was navigating.
No one could tell me the real reason as to why I was hearing voices and hallucinating. The common response to such symptoms were a new diagnosis and a different set of medications.
I was detached from myself and therefore disconnected from the world around me.
I was in a dissociative state because I was riddled with shame and fear and overwhelm, not because I was crazy or genetically flawed.
And for years I consumed supplements and medications and paid thousands of dollars for different types of therapies (one therapy included a ‘health professional’ that indecently assaulted me and hundreds of other girls and during the trial it was insinuated that my mental state at the time excluded me from being a coherent witness).
After many years of being stuck in the same cycle within a system that favours the big corporations rather than the unique, unconventional specialists, I decided to break free and dedicate my time to researching unconventional modes of healing.
I lathered myself in knowledge stemming from Eastern culture, spirituality and individuals who have dedicated their life to personal growth and development.
I began to talk (yes talk) to parts of myself.
I began to acknowledge and look at past versions of myself from the lens of my current self.
I went back in time (via visualisations) to embrace the wounded versions of Emmalene.
“You are worthy despite this; you always were, and you always will be”, diminished my self-loathing.
And so on.
I worked with spiritually motivated mentors whose only formal qualifications were a deep and intimate personal experience with the intricate layers of mental health.
I filled my mind with content that focussed on self-healing, both from a scientific and spiritual perspective.
Despite professionals walking on eggshells to avoid triggering me, I taught myself to lean into my triggers rather than avoid or distract myself from them.
The excruciating yet temporary nature associated with many of the techniques I learned to overcome mental illness were not presented to me as an essential component of my healing.
When in reality, sitting with the excruciating discomfort of past shames was, and still is an integral component of my ultimate healing.
Medication and clinical interventions have a unique and often necessary place in an individual’s mental illness journey.
However, to exclude other modes of healing that possess unconventional qualities is feeding the systematic flaws within the mental health industry at large.
I have begun to realise that if the global collective were to be happy and healthy, they would not spend much money.
There would an extremely reduced need for pharmaceuticals, fast food outlets, health and medical practices.
And not to mention a death of designer brands.
For if we are truly happy within ourselves, why do we need that Gucci handbag?
The ultimate and profound knowing that we already possess everything we need is the truest form of wholeness.
The validation, love, acknowledgement, safety, security, freedom and recognition we are all searching for within the external world will never be enough until we cultivate those very things within ourselves.
Enduring trauma in this lifetime is inevitable. And I am now convinced it is in fact essential for us to experience trauma if we are to return to our natural default state of wholeness and peace.
The global dysfunction lies within the lack of essential personal healing information available within a mainstream capacity for those who have endured trauma and are in need of piecing back together.
For at some stage in every one’s life, we are in need of piecing ourselves back together.
And yet, the information relating to how to do this effectively and sustainably is extremely difficult to find unless you have been forced to endure it yourself and are busting your balls to share it with as many people as you can.
I have vivid memories of myself being in the foetal position on the floor underneath a desk in my room. And in this state, I felt alone and scared. I was convinced that my only relief would be death.
I have been riddled with so much shame that I could feel myself physically choking on my words.
I have been in such a state of unworthiness and desperation that I self-induced a seizure.
I have had such immense gut and physical health issues that specialists were left gobsmacked and unable to identify a root cause.
Well, I know the root cause.
The root cause of it all was an inability to look at all the parts of myself and essentially acknowledge that still, in this state, despite all this pain, I am worthy.
And once I recognised that everything is connected by our fundamental state of worthiness (or unworthiness), I was able to engage in intimate personal growth work with myself.
And now, I am armed with the wisdom that I have always been the answer to my pain.
The pain begins and ends with you.
The love begins and ends with you.
Source: The warrior project